Where it all begins.
I really don't know what's possessing me to do this. This concept is so odd to me: pouring thoughts and rants out into cyberspace for anyone and everyone to read and dissect (not that I expect much of an audience, haha. I'm actually hoping people don't read any of this). It's also fairly contrived. I mean, how personally can I write if I don't even know who will read this? And I don't want to alienate everyone with my choice subjects for critiquing, AKA insulting.
I suppose all that can be worked out, if I do in fact keep up with this whole blogging scene. (ugh, still sounds weird). I really just need something to vent to! I always have so much to say, and way too many thoughts for my brain to handle. So blogging would make sense, yeah?
SO! Let's start. This summer has been unlike any other. I've been substantially less busy (although I still would consider myself to be busier than the average kid) but it feels like the season has just been wasting away. Doesn't it feel like school ended last week? And summer is in essence half over. Or is it half begun? Haha that whole "glass half full/empty" philosophy still gets me. I'm doing a lot of volunteer work, and although my initial motives were clear (oh, college applications), I'm beginning to feel so humbled by each experience. I'll get home and look at my room and my house and all the superfluous things that I have and I can't help but feeling selfish. This country (even more notably, this town), is just so full of gluttony. It's embarrassing.
Even more hypocritically is my subscription to material things. Out of all the people I know (well, most), I have the most extensive (and hardly touched) collection of clothing. I have more than I could possibly wear ever, and I am still on the constant hunt for more. I would be the first to compliment or critique a style, yet I am the one reminding people that "Looks aren't everything! What's going to happen when you're old and looks don't matter anymore and you have no brains and no personality?!". I feel really guilty about that.
Hahah! Listen to me rant! Back to this summer. It started off really nicely. Classic summer, yeah? I hung out with people, went to concerts, and was generally very, very happy. After a few weeks some drama came up though. And I wish it were drama with only the guy, or drama with only the friends, but it was both! And so much more! I began to feel lonely, and even though people would call me up asking "Where the fuck are you?! We need to hang out!!" I still felt so isolated, and vulnerable. It's gotten quite a bit better since then, however. I learned the valuable lesson of "Well, he was a dick anyway. You're too good for anyone like that to make you feel upset", as well as "Don't let other peoples' shit affect you". I am doing my best to strive towards believing those philosophies, but I can't help but feeling badly sometimes.
Other than that, it's been a rather mundane summer. I'm still not sure whether or not I'll be hopping the pond and traveling, but I wouldn't really mind it if I didn't. I would like to go and get tan though! It's terribly embarrassing how white I am. And yes, I know, "Don't risk melanoma!!!!!!". I'll do my best not to while still getting bronzed, thanks.
Above all, I'm trying to keep my thoughts open and positive. I sound so much like my dad when I pull out all these Zen philosophies, but maybe it would do me some good to listen once and a while, yeah? Do not let people make you feel a certain way, especially if their problems do not immediately concern you in the first place. Don't judge; because all disappointment comes from judgement. Do, however, be happy, smile, and share the energy with other people. In the long run, it just feels so much better to let go of any preconceived notions and accept people with all flaws and quirks attached.
I hope my ranting wasn't too hard to follow.
"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck" -The Dali Lama
Stay Classy :D
Mariel
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Sunday, July 13th, 2008 at 6:47 pm under